Shame
by Panzergal
Summary: Matsuda reflects on Raito One shot


"_You liked Yagami Raito."_

The young man winced.

Although the tone was light, casual- it seemed like an accusation. A betrayal of trust.

_You liked a murderer._

Had he been that obvious?

But, it was impossible to not like Raito.

He was the epitome of male perfection- intelligent, eloquent, athletic… so perfect. And that face, with those burning passionate eyes- soldiers would willingly die for him, people would follow him should he command.

Matsuda should be jealous.

But although he would die before admitting it, Matsuda _worshipped _Raito.

Oh yes, the boy could charm.

His words, so beautifully crafted, so subtly manipulative- they bent each and every one of them to his will.

_I mean nothing to him… he would have killed me… killed us all._

_Then why do I still like him?_

It is so hard to believe… that such a promising and gifted boy would have been so corrupted by power, so seduced by immortality…

A shadow fell over Matsuda's open brown eyes- a shield impenetrable, that bottled up the tears he had kept since that day.

_I will not be weak._

Everyday he would see flashes of that tragic scene- the hand that was reaching out to him, imploring him to understand, to shoot at the others…

Blood was on his hands, his clothes- dripping down his face… as though he was crying blood, instead of tears.

The gun was warm in Matsuda's hands.

_Oh God, how I hated him then…_

A broken doll…

And like an ancient rite, Raito… no, no… it is Kira. Kira. Kira who is evil, Kira who is not the true Light…

Matsuda smiled bitterly at the irony.

He had used his fingers, dipped in blood, to write- to kill-

_Betrayed._

Tears were dripping down Matsuda's face, obscuring his vision…

The gun seemed to leap up in his hands.

He fired.

Shot after shot.

He saw the bullets rip into the suit, saw that handsome, deranged face contort into fear and anger and pain. Something seemed to die in him- he felt himself cracking…he could not stand it. To know that the man he worshipped, had admired, had trusted so fully… was evil. A devil.

"I will kill him! He must die!"

The gun at Raito's throat… his idol, now a broken quivering mass. A pathetic, pitiful Jupiter- who once controlled the lives of millions.

_Pull the trigger… and he shall die. Fitting for Kira, that he shall now die under the hand of one of his own. His "chosen"…_

"Stop it, Matsuda!"

"Do not kill him!"

"Stop it!"

So many voices!

_Stop! Stop! STOP!_

Strong hands grabbed Matsuda from behind. He was being dragged away… away. The gun was so hot in his hands… lusting after the smell of blood, the sacrifice of a god…

His shot had blown a hole on the ground, narrowing missing Raito.

_He really is such a beautiful boy…_

The ground was so hard. Matsuda was back on his knees, sobbing pitifully. A child doing penance for evil.

He did not know exactly what immediately happened after that. And he had no wish to know. Desolate, he had listened dully to the frantic screams of Kira, had heard the dull clanking of a pair of handcuffs…

_I shot Raito. I shot him._

"Somebody, anybody! Who will help me kill them? Isn't there anyone… anyone…" His voice had risen to a panicked screech. A wounded animal, crawling on his hands and knees… blood all over the floor.

It was so painful… to see Raito crawling on the floor, to see him reduced to such a state. So different from the proud, haughty man Matsuda knew, the man who would see them all dead without batting an eyelid.

Matsuda closed his eyes to the spectacle.

He heard voices, discordant, jumbled together like bits of a broken orchestra... a shrill, hoarse laugh…there was firing-

"I will die…No… no! I don't want to die! I don't want to die!!"

Someone was screaming, screeching in utter fear and terror and frenzy…

His eyes opened.

Raito was on his knees, clutching at the legs of his death-god. A notebook dangled from the claws of the latter... and with a rush of horror, Matsuda at once guessed… knew… what had happened.

Kira will follow the fate of the countless before him.

The burning sensation was there in his eyes again.

_Why am I crying? He deserves no mercy… no pity…_

Matsuda stood. He wanted to reach out to him, to comfort him- Matsuda did not understand this schism within him, why he hated and yet also loved this man… this boy…

"Raito…"

"Stop." A hand rested heavily upon his shoulder. "Are you going to pity him now?"

Matsuda was silent.

Tears were streaming from Raito's eyes, his voice cracked and wavered… but he kept clinging on to hope… possibly hoping, though he knew it was impossible, that everything was a joke, that this was just a nightmare he was going to wake up from…

"I don't want to die! Please, please…"

_He was begging…_

… expecting to be comforted by Misa-misa, Takada, with their looks of adoration...

_The cry in his throat suddenly strangled. And he dropped, quivering, onto the floor at the death-god's feet._

_Time's up._

… And the worshipping eyes of his most faithful, Matsuda, who he knew was loyal…

_He gave one long, shuddering breath… his eyes dimmed, though they were still wide open. His tremors were becoming less and less… _

"_No…" _

_His hand clawed upwards one last time, like a drowning man…Help me..._

And softly, very quietly…so that none could hear, Matsuda whispered, "Yes."

"I do pity him."

Kira was dead.

And the world has gone back to what it was before.

Crime was on the rise again…

Newspapers, with their bold headlines, were screaming of missing persons, of rape, of theft, of murder… People were pouring in pleas, requests- for Kira to come back again, to rid the world of crime…

To be their savior.

Sometimes, in the night, Matsuda would awake, shivering- seeing in his mind's eye the broken, pleading face of that lost boy… the hand outstretched towards him…

And he wondered, although ashamed, what would have happened if he had not shot Raito, and instead loosed bullet after bullet into his police companions, into Near and his subordinates…

Watched them crumple; the last obstacles to Kira's domination of the world.

Would the world have been a better place now?

Matsuda laughed. Sadly and bitterly.

He knew by that time, Raito… no, Kira, would have killed him by then.

Would have killed anyone who is a threat; who knew his true face…

Who knew too much.

_Why then, did he still like Yagami Raito?_


End file.
